UEFA Confirm John Terry To Lift Every Trophy Available

17 May

Governing body UEFA have confirmed that Chelsea Captain, John Terry has requested that he lift every trophy handed out from now until he eventually dies.  They have granted the request based on his ‘enthusiasm at the podium, stupidly long arms and his speed at which he can whip on a full kit.’


‘John loves it up there. He doesn’t care if he’s played or not. he just wants to be the kid hoisting that trophy above his stupid head. That kind of passion can really inspire others,’ said UEFA President Michel Platini.

Whilst most of his own Chelsea teammates don’t seem to mind, there is some concern regarding Terry pretending to be part of other teams’ success in championship games.

terry gatecrashing 4Emotional

‘John’s main quality is the commitment to having looked like he’s played,’ said ex Chelsea man Frank Sinclair.  ‘He even puts on his shin pads. I once saw him sliding around in the mud outside before heading for the main stadium so it looked like he’d played a full 90. Branislav Ivanovich actually thought they’d spent the last hour and a half playing alongside each other. Now, it’s one thing to fool the other Chelsea players – but how is he going to find a Barcelona shirt or an Everton jersey when they lift trophies? That’s the challenge he faces – although knowing John he’ll make it happen. He’s a warrior.’

Terry gatecrashing 2Moon Man.

With Terry’s retirement looming due to his stupid, ailing body – many see him moving outside of football to take credit for all sorts of things.

terry gatecrashing 3Enjoying Himself

‘Don’t be surprised to see him claiming he’s responsible for all manner of victories; civil rights movements, political successes, peace missions. Let’s not forget John Terry is a huge twat,’ said lots of people.

Terry gatecrashing‘See…?!’


Everton Fans Collectively Prepare For Relegation Struggle

9 May

As news broke this afternoon confirming that David Moyes will replace Alex Ferguson as manager of Manchester United, a group of Everton fans rallied together – comforting each other with warm blankets and cups of Bovril.

The departing Scotsman has consistently led Everton to be ‘the best of the rest’ for the last decade and, despite the lack of trophies, most sensible fans are acutely aware that it could have been much, much worse.

Image‘Bye Bye.’

‘I want him back,’ said Stan Tarbuck through tears. ‘It’s just a joke, right? We’re going to become the new Aston Villa. Liverpool will probably start finishing ahead of us again for gods sake.’

‘Bainesy, Felli…who knows? He might even take Miralles with him, now that Nani is off to Bangkok. We’re screwed. Absolutely fucking fucked.’

Some names in contention to take over at Goodison include Michael Laudrup, Roberto Martinez and Fc Porto coach Vitor Pereira, although most fans seem resigned to it being a toss up between Mark Hughes, Neil Lennon and ‘Rocky III’ star, Sly Stallone.

ImageComeback King

‘Laudrup’s in Europe, Pearface probably hasn’t heard of us and Martinez will more likely fancy a season in the Championship with Wigan. Plus, he’s not gonna want to give up his 25% discount at JJB is he? For what – theatre tickets? We’re fucking fucked,’ said Tarbuck.

Whilst most were in dismay at Moyes’ departure, tearing up at the idea of ‘going back to the 90s’, other fans tried to laugh it off – claiming they couldn’t wait to see the back of him.

ImageNot Happy

‘Haha. Yeah, get him out. He’s been a disgrace.’ Said Barry Rathbone. ‘Can’t even win the Premier League? Man City have done that. I remember when Dixie Dean used to have Man City for breakfast. We should get Mourinho in – or Jurgen Klopp from Dortmund – or Rooney can come back as player manager! They’d have us winning every game in no time like we deserve…like i deserve. I just… I just want us to start winning again,’ Rathbone continued, eventually breaking down in tears.

Everton have yet to make a formal announcement.

Man United To Sell Nani To Popular Bangkok Brothel

3 May

In yet a further example of American owners the Glazer family’s ability to raise revenue in the most surprising of places, Portuguese winger Nani is set to be sold to a popular Bangkok brothel this summer.

After venturing in to social gaming and complex sponsorship deals, as well as auctioning off the naming rights to their Carrington training ground to raise funds for the club – the Glazer’s have now entered in to the often seedy, but lucrative world of Far Eastern prostitution.

‘We often go their for a pre-season tour and some of the lads (Wayne) like to indulge so we’re well aware of the market. We’ll just drop him off once we’re there,’ said United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward.

‘The wee lad’s been shit all season,’ said an obviously shitfaced Alex Ferguson. ‘I thought he was gonna be the next Ronaldo but he only does the step-overs and fuck all else. But give credit to to the boy – he’s lithe as you like. They’re gonna love him over there. He’ll make us a fortune.’

Image‘got the look’

It’s thought that Nani will undergo ‘vaginoplasty’, a complex male to female genital surgery which will enable him to ‘work both ends of the field’ as the Glazer’s look to maximise their profits. 

‘It’s pretty straight forward,’ said ex United player and Thailand Manager Bryan Robson – who was also shitfaced. ‘He won’t like it at first but it’ll grow on him. And the feel of it is surprisingly realistic…not that i’d know.’

Imagenew teammate?

Nani himself is thought to be ‘apprehensive’ about the move. ‘It’s not what i’m used to, but i’ve been spending too long on the bench this season. It’s time for my career to kick on,’ he said through an interpreter. 


Barcelona Decide To Take Ball Home – Not Let Anyone Else Play

2 May

After years of domestic and European dominance, Barcelona are having to come to terms with being publicly humiliated in front of a global audience, having been beaten by Bundesliga Champions elite – Bayern Munich – 7-0 over two legs of the Champions League Semi-Final.

With their pants well and truly pulled down by the German team, Barcelona retreated to the Camp Nou and were said to be ‘feverishly passing the ball to each other in triangles’ like some kind of men possessed.

‘It was difficult to watch.’ Said an unknown Barca fan. ‘They didn’t even play with goals. They were just running in circles.’

With access to the training ground restricted, it was left to reports from fringe players to reveal what was going on.

‘They said I couldn’t play.’ Said Cesc Fabregas on his back way out. ‘They say if Lionel can’t play then I can’t play. They said no-one else could play. They’re not going to share that ball with anyone.’

Fabregas is, of course, referring to Lionel Messi – the consensus pick amongst most football fans as the most talented player in the world. Messi is still injured and has reportedly been placed on a shrine in which the Barca players play around – every so often bouncing the ball off his encased left foot.

‘I thought they were my friends until this happened.’ Said Fabregas. ‘ Now they choose not to like me because we lose the semi-final. I think they are very bad losers. I need to go back to Arsenal. We are used to disappointment there.’

As people came to watch from afar, Sergio Busquets threw himself to the ground and started appealing to what many thought to be an invisible referee. After seemingly not getting the decision he fell to his knees, crying, shaking his hands at the air.

‘It’s Andreas (Iniesta) mainly. Him and Xavi decide who can play. They once locked Alex Hleb in their basement until he promised to leave back to Stuttgart. They drove him to the airport laughing like crazy men. It’s unsafe here for some people.’


PFA Set To Hire Kat Williams For Annual Christmas Party

30 Apr

After being ‘surprised’ by the content of comedian Reginald D Hunter’s routine during the PFA’s annual awards show last night, the PFA has quickly announced that another American comedian, Katt Williams will take over as the master of ceremonies for the 2013 Christmas Dinner.

Image‘Where am I?’

‘We had to move quickly’ said deputy chief executive Bobby Barnes . ‘It’s important we distance ourselves from the kind of content that Mr. Hunter presented.’

After recent seasons where racism, and the FA’s handling of the issue within the game, has returned to the forefront of the sport – the PFA faced criticism for hiring an act who repeatedly used the word ‘nigga’.

‘As an inordinate number of old white men, it’s important to us that we prove to others that we don’t tolerate that kind of language – especially from one of “their” own’ Said Carslisle. ‘I’m just happy he had dropped the hard ‘R’. That would have been a nightmare.’

In an attempt to absolve themselves from blame, Barnes repeatedly pointed to the fact that neither he, nor any of his dying white friends could have had any idea about Hunter’s act.

‘I don’t think anyone could have known. What are we supposed to do, magically conjure up his videos or something? Ha…I mean, c’mon. Although in saying that, I’m surprised Clark didn’t know him. I would have thought they’d be friends.’ He said, referring to PFA chairman Clark Carlisle.

A regular at the world renowned ‘Edinburgh Comedy Festival’ –  the titles of Hunter’s previous Edinburgh festival shows include ‘A Mystery Wrapped In A Nigga’, ‘Pride And Prejudice And Niggas’, ‘F*ck You In The Age Of Consequence’, ‘The Only Apple In The Garden Of Eden And Niggas’, ‘Trophy Nigger’ and ‘Work In Progress…And Niggas.’

‘We’re confident Kat Williams will be a delight.’ Said Barnes. ‘We saw him in Norbit and it was much more family friendly.’

ImageChristmas Treat

Newcastle Fans Vow To Punch Every Horse In Town Until Safe From Relegation

29 Apr

Following the embarrassing 6-0 defeat to Liverpool at the weekend – Newcastle fans, Michael ‘Chalky’ White and Aaron ‘loves boobs’ McDaniel have vowed to punch every horse they find in the city until the club is safe from relegation.

After a worrying loss of form in recent weeks, Newcastle now find themselves only five points clear of Wigan and only three clear of Aston Villa – both of whom have a game in hand.

‘Somethings gotta be done.’ Said White. ‘We’ze definitely cannae leave it to that muppet Pardoo. Yeah, people seem to like horses. To be fair, I like horses me self, but sacrifices have to be made.’


Defending a separate incident in which another Newcastle fan, Barry Rogerson, punched a police horse after the derby defeat to Sunderland, ‘Loves Boobs’ was adamant about the pairs decision.

‘We all like horses, that’s not up for debate. But after the derby when Barry’s punched the mare  square in the jaw, like, we picked up a decent point away to West Brom. You can says what youze like but that’s evidence enough. It’s obvious to me and Chalky what needs to be done.’

In related news, it now seems even more unlikely that ex cult hero Andy Carroll will return to the club, after ‘loves boobs’ knocked him out whilst he was leaving a kebab shop.

‘It was dark.’ He said. ‘the big equine beast should know better than to walk the streets considering there’s a warning out.’


David Dunne Still Too Embarrassed To Talk About Attempted Rabona

23 Apr

It’s been almost ten years, but Blackburn midfielder David Dunn still finds it too difficult to talk about the attempted ‘rabona’ he tried to execute whilst playing for Birmingham in a local derby game versus Aston Villa.

‘John Terry’s Bunion’ was swiftly moved away from Dunn’s house by concerned neighbor and friend, Alan Higgins when we tried to contact him.

‘It’s tough on him. People were saying he was the next Gazza. After that one move he was closer to the next Jason Lee with the amount of stick he got. He had dreams of playing for England.’

In a seemingly pointless display of showmanship, Dunn tripped over his own feet whilst attempting the difficult technique, which has since been perfected by players such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Eden Hazard.

‘He’s a good player. He is. But he’s just not quite there is he? I love him to bits but it’s hard on him. For a while he got really fucking fat too. It’s especially hard around the anniversary. He just eats himself to sleep.’

As condolences poured in from ex professionals Geoff Thomas, Ronnie Rosenthal and Diana Ross, Dunn was seen peering through the curtains with a doughnut in hand, smearing a message written in jam on the glass which read simply, ‘hamburgers’.

David Dunn Fat