Man United To Sell Nani To Popular Bangkok Brothel

3 May

In yet a further example of American owners the Glazer family’s ability to raise revenue in the most surprising of places, Portuguese winger Nani is set to be sold to a popular Bangkok brothel this summer.

After venturing in to social gaming and complex sponsorship deals, as well as auctioning off the naming rights to their Carrington training ground to raise funds for the club – the Glazer’s have now entered in to the often seedy, but lucrative world of Far Eastern prostitution.

‘We often go their for a pre-season tour and some of the lads (Wayne) like to indulge so we’re well aware of the market. We’ll just drop him off once we’re there,’ said United executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward.

‘The wee lad’s been shit all season,’ said an obviously shitfaced Alex Ferguson. ‘I thought he was gonna be the next Ronaldo but he only does the step-overs and fuck all else. But give credit to to the boy – he’s lithe as you like. They’re gonna love him over there. He’ll make us a fortune.’

Image‘got the look’

It’s thought that Nani will undergo ‘vaginoplasty’, a complex male to female genital surgery which will enable him to ‘work both ends of the field’ as the Glazer’s look to maximise their profits. 

‘It’s pretty straight forward,’ said ex United player and Thailand Manager Bryan Robson – who was also shitfaced. ‘He won’t like it at first but it’ll grow on him. And the feel of it is surprisingly realistic…not that i’d know.’

Imagenew teammate?

Nani himself is thought to be ‘apprehensive’ about the move. ‘It’s not what i’m used to, but i’ve been spending too long on the bench this season. It’s time for my career to kick on,’ he said through an interpreter. 

 

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