Everton Fans Collectively Prepare For Relegation Struggle

9 May

As news broke this afternoon confirming that David Moyes will replace Alex Ferguson as manager of Manchester United, a group of Everton fans rallied together – comforting each other with warm blankets and cups of Bovril.

The departing Scotsman has consistently led Everton to be ‘the best of the rest’ for the last decade and, despite the lack of trophies, most sensible fans are acutely aware that it could have been much, much worse.

Image‘Bye Bye.’

‘I want him back,’ said Stan Tarbuck through tears. ‘It’s just a joke, right? We’re going to become the new Aston Villa. Liverpool will probably start finishing ahead of us again for gods sake.’

‘Bainesy, Felli…who knows? He might even take Miralles with him, now that Nani is off to Bangkok. We’re screwed. Absolutely fucking fucked.’

Some names in contention to take over at Goodison include Michael Laudrup, Roberto Martinez and Fc Porto coach Vitor Pereira, although most fans seem resigned to it being a toss up between Mark Hughes, Neil Lennon and ‘Rocky III’ star, Sly Stallone.

ImageComeback King

‘Laudrup’s in Europe, Pearface probably hasn’t heard of us and Martinez will more likely fancy a season in the Championship with Wigan. Plus, he’s not gonna want to give up his 25% discount at JJB is he? For what – theatre tickets? We’re fucking fucked,’ said Tarbuck.

Whilst most were in dismay at Moyes’ departure, tearing up at the idea of ‘going back to the 90s’, other fans tried to laugh it off – claiming they couldn’t wait to see the back of him.

ImageNot Happy

‘Haha. Yeah, get him out. He’s been a disgrace.’ Said Barry Rathbone. ‘Can’t even win the Premier League? Man City have done that. I remember when Dixie Dean used to have Man City for breakfast. We should get Mourinho in – or Jurgen Klopp from Dortmund – or Rooney can come back as player manager! They’d have us winning every game in no time like we deserve…like i deserve. I just… I just want us to start winning again,’ Rathbone continued, eventually breaking down in tears.

Everton have yet to make a formal announcement.

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