Archive | April, 2013

PFA Set To Hire Kat Williams For Annual Christmas Party

30 Apr

After being ‘surprised’ by the content of comedian Reginald D Hunter’s routine during the PFA’s annual awards show last night, the PFA has quickly announced that another American comedian, Katt Williams will take over as the master of ceremonies for the 2013 Christmas Dinner.

Image‘Where am I?’

‘We had to move quickly’ said deputy chief executive Bobby Barnes . ‘It’s important we distance ourselves from the kind of content that Mr. Hunter presented.’

After recent seasons where racism, and the FA’s handling of the issue within the game, has returned to the forefront of the sport – the PFA faced criticism for hiring an act who repeatedly used the word ‘nigga’.

‘As an inordinate number of old white men, it’s important to us that we prove to others that we don’t tolerate that kind of language – especially from one of “their” own’ Said Carslisle. ‘I’m just happy he had dropped the hard ‘R’. That would have been a nightmare.’

In an attempt to absolve themselves from blame, Barnes repeatedly pointed to the fact that neither he, nor any of his dying white friends could have had any idea about Hunter’s act.

‘I don’t think anyone could have known. What are we supposed to do, magically conjure up his videos or something? Ha…I mean, c’mon. Although in saying that, I’m surprised Clark didn’t know him. I would have thought they’d be friends.’ He said, referring to PFA chairman Clark Carlisle.

A regular at the world renowned ‘Edinburgh Comedy Festival’ –  the titles of Hunter’s previous Edinburgh festival shows include ‘A Mystery Wrapped In A Nigga’, ‘Pride And Prejudice And Niggas’, ‘F*ck You In The Age Of Consequence’, ‘The Only Apple In The Garden Of Eden And Niggas’, ‘Trophy Nigger’ and ‘Work In Progress…And Niggas.’

‘We’re confident Kat Williams will be a delight.’ Said Barnes. ‘We saw him in Norbit and it was much more family friendly.’

ImageChristmas Treat

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Newcastle Fans Vow To Punch Every Horse In Town Until Safe From Relegation

29 Apr

Following the embarrassing 6-0 defeat to Liverpool at the weekend – Newcastle fans, Michael ‘Chalky’ White and Aaron ‘loves boobs’ McDaniel have vowed to punch every horse they find in the city until the club is safe from relegation.

After a worrying loss of form in recent weeks, Newcastle now find themselves only five points clear of Wigan and only three clear of Aston Villa – both of whom have a game in hand.

‘Somethings gotta be done.’ Said White. ‘We’ze definitely cannae leave it to that muppet Pardoo. Yeah, people seem to like horses. To be fair, I like horses me self, but sacrifices have to be made.’

Proof

Defending a separate incident in which another Newcastle fan, Barry Rogerson, punched a police horse after the derby defeat to Sunderland, ‘Loves Boobs’ was adamant about the pairs decision.

‘We all like horses, that’s not up for debate. But after the derby when Barry’s punched the mare  square in the jaw, like, we picked up a decent point away to West Brom. You can says what youze like but that’s evidence enough. It’s obvious to me and Chalky what needs to be done.’

In related news, it now seems even more unlikely that ex cult hero Andy Carroll will return to the club, after ‘loves boobs’ knocked him out whilst he was leaving a kebab shop.

‘It was dark.’ He said. ‘the big equine beast should know better than to walk the streets considering there’s a warning out.’

ImageWorried.

David Dunne Still Too Embarrassed To Talk About Attempted Rabona

23 Apr

It’s been almost ten years, but Blackburn midfielder David Dunn still finds it too difficult to talk about the attempted ‘rabona’ he tried to execute whilst playing for Birmingham in a local derby game versus Aston Villa.

‘John Terry’s Bunion’ was swiftly moved away from Dunn’s house by concerned neighbor and friend, Alan Higgins when we tried to contact him.

‘It’s tough on him. People were saying he was the next Gazza. After that one move he was closer to the next Jason Lee with the amount of stick he got. He had dreams of playing for England.’

In a seemingly pointless display of showmanship, Dunn tripped over his own feet whilst attempting the difficult technique, which has since been perfected by players such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Eden Hazard.

‘He’s a good player. He is. But he’s just not quite there is he? I love him to bits but it’s hard on him. For a while he got really fucking fat too. It’s especially hard around the anniversary. He just eats himself to sleep.’

As condolences poured in from ex professionals Geoff Thomas, Ronnie Rosenthal and Diana Ross, Dunn was seen peering through the curtains with a doughnut in hand, smearing a message written in jam on the glass which read simply, ‘hamburgers’.

David Dunn Fat

Hungry

Liverpool To Don T Shirts Of Luis Suarez Sharing A Sandwich With African Child

23 Apr

Liverpool have once again come out in strong support of star player, Luis Suarez following the most recent controversy at Anfield which saw the Uruguayan International bite Chelsea defender, Branislav Ivanovic; deciding that the squad will wear t-shirts depicting the image of Suarez sharing a ‘Turkey and Cheese Sandwich’ with a small, African child.

Turkey and Cheese Sandwich Tasty.

Whilst we don’t condone biting fellow professionals, this is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed,’ explained Liverpool MD, Ian Ayre at a club press conference. ‘People can point fingers at Luis all they want, but we’re talking about millions of people going hungry every day. Luis could have been one of them.’

‘He had a wee nibble of the boys arm, yes.’ Said Liverpool Manager, Brendan Rogers. ‘But take a look at his little face… he’d been running all over the pitch and was starving. I think he’s entitled to a quick bite. The poor boy’s deserved it.’

Manchester United fan, Gary Cotterill was less than pleased.

‘We’d just returned from Boston with the kids as the wife had run the marathon. Now that was a terrible tragedy, admittedly, but it was easy to explain to the kids and they got over it pretty quickly. But, how, on, earth – am I supposed to justify this level of human depravity to a six year old boy? It’s probably the most disgusting thing any of us have ever witnessed. To return from a nice holiday only to be exposed to that in your own living room? The man should be locked away – although of course then i’d be paying for his dinners…’.

Liverpool hope the t-shirts can help kill two, controversial birds with one stone.

‘Hopefully this puts to bed the accusations of racism too,’ continued Rogers. ‘as Luis has taken that personally. But how can he be racist when he’s obviously good mates with the wee black boy? He’s given him half his sandwich!’.

Suarez Generous
Generous

‘The Sun’ Newspaper, meanwhile, have placed the incident at the top of their bi-annual ‘worst things to ever happen to a Serbian’ list.

Suarez awaits a verdict from the FA.

Young Player of the Year Nominees Confused By Presence Of Danny Welbeck

23 Apr

Young Player of the Year Nominees, Christian Benteke, Jack Wilshire and Romelu Lukaku have admitted to being surprised by the presence of Danny Welbeck at the yearly awards. The four have been spending some time together responding to media and Welbeck has quickly become the victim of endless ridicule.

Danny Welbeck
‘Excited then sad.’
‘It’s nice that a defender has been recognized’ said Lukaku, ‘they often don’t get the credit they deserve.’

‘He’s run around a lot,’ sniggered Wilshire. ‘Some might say that’s a lost art form in the modern game.’

Welbeck looked sheepish as he sat with the other three, deciding to position himself on the outside of the group and block off any journalists that tried to get too close to the talented trio. As Benteke passed him the microphone he dropped it and fell over.

‘He tries hard’ Said the Belgian. ‘He won’t give up till that microphone has been picked up or Sir Alex has told him he’s done enough for the day.’

The four were asked to pose together for a photograph holding their respective team jerseys, which both Wilshire and Lukaku admitted to having left in their rooms.

‘Go get ’em will ya, Danny?’ Said Wilshire. ‘You’re the fastest.’

‘We’ll time you.’ Said Benteke. ‘See if you can break the record.’

As Welbeck sprinted off, the three fell awkwardly silent, quickly realizing they had nothing else to talk about.

Chelsea Set To Fire Manuel Pellegrini

23 Apr

In an all too familiar tale, not yet Chelsea coach Manuel Pellegrini has already been fired by the club. Pellegrini will leave Chelsea with a record of having never even coached a game.

‘It’s tough on him, yeah.’ Said Chelsea fan Bob Edwards. ‘But that’s the job nowadays. If you’re gonna be in charge of a club as big as Chelsea you better start getting results – whether you’re the coach or not. I just hope Jose is coming back.’

It is believed Russian Billionaire owner, Roman Abramovich will pay Pellegrini upwards of 12 million Euros in severance – despite the Chilean not even having a contract to begin with.

Roman Abrahmovich
                                    In Charge

 
‘He’s a good businessman with strong ethics’ Said an Abramovich aide. ‘He wants to do things the right way.’

Pellegrini had drawn criticism from the English press for his ‘strange taste in food’ and great hair, and pressure was already mounting on the Malaga boss to get Chelsea re-instated to the Champions League, despite the club having already been knocked out in the group stages.

‘I pay the money and nothing happens.’ Said Abramovich. ‘Who the fuck do I have to kill to make th…’ he continued, before being cut off by his aide.

‘It’s about time an Englishman was given a chance anyway,’ said The Sun’s Steven Howard. ‘What do we need these Johnny Foreigners for anyway? Harry Redknapp is available.’

Meanwhile, at Stamford Bridge three grown men were arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ as they were caught outside the ground ‘making sweet love’ to an effigy of Jose Mourinho whilst wearing blue face paint.

Chelsea Suspect Face Paint

Suspect

Newcastle To Offer Liverpool £50 Bar Tab at ‘Bambu’ In Exchange For Andy Carroll

23 Apr

Newcastle United are once again lowering their bid for former player, Andy Carroll and offering Liverpool a £50 bar tab plus free entry to popular nightspot, ‘Bambu’ in exchange for the giant hitman; promising the Liverpool club a ‘night on the town they’ll never forget.’

‘Some people might think that’s a low offer, but you could get the whole squad pissed up for less than twenty quid once you get the ‘Iron Bru VS’ on special.’ Said Newcastle fan, Gary ‘Massive Tits’ Jones. Then you’re probably talking VIP section with that kind of money – that means sitting right next to the toilets. Not to mention they’re getting in for free. I’d be on the first Megabus up here!’

Bambu

‘Great Night Out’

Liverpool’s American owners are said to be ‘considering’ the deal.

‘We’re fully aware of Newcastle’s reputation for a good night out,’ Said John Henry, ‘and let’s face it Andy’s been shit. But we’d like the bachelor party special at ‘Northern Pleasures’ thrown in for the after party if we’re to really take this offer seriously.’

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley didn’t sound ready to ‘play ball’ with the Americans though.

‘The bloody Yanks are havin’ a laff!’ He said. ‘Northern Pleasures an’ all? They have the best looking girls in the city. Do they even know who Spuggie is?!’

‘It’s dead cheeky asking for the Bachelor Special at ‘Pleasures’, said ‘Massive Tits’. ‘I’ll be honest, I think they’re trying to play us. I don’t think anyone’s even getting married.’

Andy Carroll
King Size Bed

Carroll, meanwhile has been told to wait at the ‘Holiday Inn’ in Darlington until the transfer is resolved.