Liverpool To Don T Shirts Of Luis Suarez Sharing A Sandwich With African Child

23 Apr

Liverpool have once again come out in strong support of star player, Luis Suarez following the most recent controversy at Anfield which saw the Uruguayan International bite Chelsea defender, Branislav Ivanovic; deciding that the squad will wear t-shirts depicting the image of Suarez sharing a ‘Turkey and Cheese Sandwich’ with a small, African child.

Turkey and Cheese Sandwich Tasty.

Whilst we don’t condone biting fellow professionals, this is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed,’ explained Liverpool MD, Ian Ayre at a club press conference. ‘People can point fingers at Luis all they want, but we’re talking about millions of people going hungry every day. Luis could have been one of them.’

‘He had a wee nibble of the boys arm, yes.’ Said Liverpool Manager, Brendan Rogers. ‘But take a look at his little face… he’d been running all over the pitch and was starving. I think he’s entitled to a quick bite. The poor boy’s deserved it.’

Manchester United fan, Gary Cotterill was less than pleased.

‘We’d just returned from Boston with the kids as the wife had run the marathon. Now that was a terrible tragedy, admittedly, but it was easy to explain to the kids and they got over it pretty quickly. But, how, on, earth – am I supposed to justify this level of human depravity to a six year old boy? It’s probably the most disgusting thing any of us have ever witnessed. To return from a nice holiday only to be exposed to that in your own living room? The man should be locked away – although of course then i’d be paying for his dinners…’.

Liverpool hope the t-shirts can help kill two, controversial birds with one stone.

‘Hopefully this puts to bed the accusations of racism too,’ continued Rogers. ‘as Luis has taken that personally. But how can he be racist when he’s obviously good mates with the wee black boy? He’s given him half his sandwich!’.

Suarez Generous

‘The Sun’ Newspaper, meanwhile, have placed the incident at the top of their bi-annual ‘worst things to ever happen to a Serbian’ list.

Suarez awaits a verdict from the FA.


Young Player of the Year Nominees Confused By Presence Of Danny Welbeck

23 Apr

Young Player of the Year Nominees, Christian Benteke, Jack Wilshire and Romelu Lukaku have admitted to being surprised by the presence of Danny Welbeck at the yearly awards. The four have been spending some time together responding to media and Welbeck has quickly become the victim of endless ridicule.

Danny Welbeck
‘Excited then sad.’
‘It’s nice that a defender has been recognized’ said Lukaku, ‘they often don’t get the credit they deserve.’

‘He’s run around a lot,’ sniggered Wilshire. ‘Some might say that’s a lost art form in the modern game.’

Welbeck looked sheepish as he sat with the other three, deciding to position himself on the outside of the group and block off any journalists that tried to get too close to the talented trio. As Benteke passed him the microphone he dropped it and fell over.

‘He tries hard’ Said the Belgian. ‘He won’t give up till that microphone has been picked up or Sir Alex has told him he’s done enough for the day.’

The four were asked to pose together for a photograph holding their respective team jerseys, which both Wilshire and Lukaku admitted to having left in their rooms.

‘Go get ’em will ya, Danny?’ Said Wilshire. ‘You’re the fastest.’

‘We’ll time you.’ Said Benteke. ‘See if you can break the record.’

As Welbeck sprinted off, the three fell awkwardly silent, quickly realizing they had nothing else to talk about.

Chelsea Set To Fire Manuel Pellegrini

23 Apr

In an all too familiar tale, not yet Chelsea coach Manuel Pellegrini has already been fired by the club. Pellegrini will leave Chelsea with a record of having never even coached a game.

‘It’s tough on him, yeah.’ Said Chelsea fan Bob Edwards. ‘But that’s the job nowadays. If you’re gonna be in charge of a club as big as Chelsea you better start getting results – whether you’re the coach or not. I just hope Jose is coming back.’

It is believed Russian Billionaire owner, Roman Abramovich will pay Pellegrini upwards of 12 million Euros in severance – despite the Chilean not even having a contract to begin with.

Roman Abrahmovich
                                    In Charge

‘He’s a good businessman with strong ethics’ Said an Abramovich aide. ‘He wants to do things the right way.’

Pellegrini had drawn criticism from the English press for his ‘strange taste in food’ and great hair, and pressure was already mounting on the Malaga boss to get Chelsea re-instated to the Champions League, despite the club having already been knocked out in the group stages.

‘I pay the money and nothing happens.’ Said Abramovich. ‘Who the fuck do I have to kill to make th…’ he continued, before being cut off by his aide.

‘It’s about time an Englishman was given a chance anyway,’ said The Sun’s Steven Howard. ‘What do we need these Johnny Foreigners for anyway? Harry Redknapp is available.’

Meanwhile, at Stamford Bridge three grown men were arrested for ‘indecent exposure’ as they were caught outside the ground ‘making sweet love’ to an effigy of Jose Mourinho whilst wearing blue face paint.

Chelsea Suspect Face Paint


Newcastle To Offer Liverpool £50 Bar Tab at ‘Bambu’ In Exchange For Andy Carroll

23 Apr

Newcastle United are once again lowering their bid for former player, Andy Carroll and offering Liverpool a £50 bar tab plus free entry to popular nightspot, ‘Bambu’ in exchange for the giant hitman; promising the Liverpool club a ‘night on the town they’ll never forget.’

‘Some people might think that’s a low offer, but you could get the whole squad pissed up for less than twenty quid once you get the ‘Iron Bru VS’ on special.’ Said Newcastle fan, Gary ‘Massive Tits’ Jones. Then you’re probably talking VIP section with that kind of money – that means sitting right next to the toilets. Not to mention they’re getting in for free. I’d be on the first Megabus up here!’


‘Great Night Out’

Liverpool’s American owners are said to be ‘considering’ the deal.

‘We’re fully aware of Newcastle’s reputation for a good night out,’ Said John Henry, ‘and let’s face it Andy’s been shit. But we’d like the bachelor party special at ‘Northern Pleasures’ thrown in for the after party if we’re to really take this offer seriously.’

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley didn’t sound ready to ‘play ball’ with the Americans though.

‘The bloody Yanks are havin’ a laff!’ He said. ‘Northern Pleasures an’ all? They have the best looking girls in the city. Do they even know who Spuggie is?!’

‘It’s dead cheeky asking for the Bachelor Special at ‘Pleasures’, said ‘Massive Tits’. ‘I’ll be honest, I think they’re trying to play us. I don’t think anyone’s even getting married.’

Andy Carroll
King Size Bed

Carroll, meanwhile has been told to wait at the ‘Holiday Inn’ in Darlington until the transfer is resolved.

Harry Redknapp Oblivious to Taking QPR Job

23 Apr

Is he or isn’t he? Harry Redknapp is claiming to be completely oblivious to the fact that he is the current manager of ‘QPR Football Club’. After taking over from Mark Hughes in late November of last year, Redknapp now claims that he has ‘no idea’ what anyone’s talking about, and is bemused by connections to the West London club.

‘They’re a nice club.’ Said Redknapp, speaking from the front seat of his Range Rover. ‘But I’ve got nothing to do with them.’

Harry Redknapp Car

Since taking the reigns from Hughes, Redknapp has, unbeknownst to him, steered the club to nineteenth in the league, one place higher than where they began.

‘Whoever’s been in there has done a fantastic job,’ said Harry, ‘in all honesty the players aren’t very good so you’re talking about miracles.’

When pressed on the fact that he’d spent a small fortune in the short time he’d been there, Redknapp seemed both wistful and confused.

‘I would have loved to,’ he sighed, ‘you can always expect a nice bonus from spending someone else’s money – especially when it’s on the foreign boys – and Sandra’s been in my ear for a new conservatory…but no, it wasn’t me – have you tried Curbs?’

Redknapp continued to refute the idea all the way out of the parking lot, insisting he hadn’t even seen Chris Samba play since he was at Blackburn. ‘What sort of monkey do you think I am?’ Yelled Redknapp as he peeled out.

Meanwhile, Steven Howard of ‘The Sun’ used the opportunity to suggest Redknapp take the, currently filled, England job – screaming ‘WE HATE WOY, WE HATE WOY’ with unrestrained delight as he chased Redknapp’s car the down street.

It’s unclear at the moment who will be in charge of the team at the weekend.

Arsene Wenger Declared Legally Blind

23 Apr

Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger has been declared legally blind after undergoing extensive tests at a London hospital. The sixty-three year old is thought to have been in this condition ‘for at least the last six years.’

Despite facing criticism in the past for, what many perceive to be, an overly protective stance towards his players’ indiscretions, claiming on countless occasions that ‘he didn’t see it’ – it turns out Wenger may have been telling the truth all along.

‘…as a bat!’ declared Dr. Montgomery, one of the men involved with Wenger’s diagnosis. ‘He can literally see fuck all.’

Arsene Wenger Blind
Didn’t See It
‘All this time I thought he was lying when he said he hadn’t seen such and such an incident’ said local man, Simon Cadman. ‘No-one ever thought to ask him if he could actually see!’

In addition to explaining the mysterious notion of Wenger never having seen his own players commit a foul, it also helps explain the continuing playing time of Aaron Ramsey.

Wenger wasn’t available for comment.

Gareth Bale’s Cultured Left Foot To Appear Off Broadway

23 Apr

Gareth Bale’s ‘cultured left foot’ will travel to the United States this off season to appear in Harold Pinter’s, ‘The Hothouse’ – off Broadway. It is believed Bale’s left foot will play the role of ‘Lush’, an alcoholic character in his thirties, known for his long speeches.

Whilst some Tottenham fans have expressed concern over their star player’s most valued asset not resting up like the rest of the squad, Tottenham head coach Andre Villa Boas, moved swiftly to allay their fears.

AVB and Bale
                 ‘Break a Leg! Just Kidding…’
‘It’s obviously not ideal’ stated the Spurs boss, ‘it’s a demanding role, and knowing Gareth’s left foot it will go full method so will spend a lot of time being absolutely shitfaced. But we have an agreement that it is allowed to take the time in the off season to work on aspects of it’s life which will help engender a sense of superiority to other feet in the league. It’s not all about football.’

Indeed, some experts believe it is precisely these types of activities that have led Bale’s left foot to become one of the most feared in world football. It has spent the last three summers writing poetry in the south of France, excavating a tomb in Peru and restoring a Saab 900 on the island of Nantucket.

‘It always confused me but Garef’s left foot is Garef’s left foot, innit?’ stated ex Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp. ‘I would have been more comfortable with it going to Corfu with the rest of the lads’ feet for a nice jolly up, but as long as it was coming back and scoring goals then I would always take the credit for it.’ Redknapp continued.

As Bale’s left foot continues to prepare for it’s stint off Broadway, another is making acting plans of it’s own; Charlie Adams’ will make an appearance in a production of ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ in Weston Super Mare.

Jack and the Beanstalk

‘Devestated’ – Bruce Jones